How to Conduct an Abduction Investigation

Well, the Atacama Humanoid is already old news... I just Googled it and the most recent news item is already 4 days old. It's so over.

Now we can move on to more pressing matters, like the fact that I, The Close Encounters KidTM, have just been assigned to investigate yet another CE. This time it's a Close Encounter of the Third kind, and it's such a special case that I have been given MUFON's ALL-NEW Document #PR-0017 detailing How to Conduct an Abduction Investigation!

How much of a BFD is this? This instruction manual was just approved by the MUFON Board of Directors this past January, and it still has red proofing marks on it. If it was any newer it would have a placenta.

And I have it! But I have been warned not to repeat or reproduce any part of it, so that's no fun. I can't tell you anything that's in it... but then again, I think I would be performing a public service to give you just a hint of the wonders that await you inside this document. For instance, I think it's okay to tell you that if you were to ever wake up in a strange bed with your pajamas on backwards, you may have been abducted by aliens. But see, if your life is anything like mine, there are so many reasons you might wake up in a strange bed with your jammies on backwards that it doesn't really feel like I'm giving away any big secrets. But that's really all I can say, so please don't ask me anything more about it.

I was going to show you an amazing illustration from MUFON's all-new alien abduction investigation handbook, but I am legally prohibited from doing so. So here's a dreamlike image of a UFO instead.

I can, however, tell you about the Case that started this whole thing. A woman reported a sighting that took place in 1994, nearly 20 years ago. She reports that she was 4 or 5 at the time,visiting relatives here in Wisconsin, when the incident occurred. She had fallen asleep in the car, and when the family arrived at the relatives' house the parents took her to a quiet bedroom and placed her in a chair so she could continue sleeping... Some time later, she woke up and looked at the window, just five feet away from the chair where she had been sleeping. There was a bright light coming from the window, and she saw "an entity" with its hands on the window sill, looking at her through the window.

Did the little girl scream bloody murder? Nope. The entity's eyes had a "reassuring" look, and she was overcome with a sense of peace and safety, as though the entity was telling her that "everything was going to be okay."

Creepy, right? And, as in so many of these cases, also not creepy. What's interesting is that she does not report anything else. The story has no ending... Does that mean she was abducted? I intend to find out.