Notes on Case #XXXXX

I have started to fill out my report on Case #XXXXX, the Close Encounter that I was assigned to investigate while my superiors were partying in Cincinnati, and will complete it in a day or two, when I have a chance to get the photos downloaded... No pictures of UFOs or aliens, I'm afraid, just trees and a house. "The scene of the crime," as it were.

As I've reflected on this case, I've had a few thoughts that I want to share:

First, although my State Director had hoped that my compass would go crazy and spin wildly when I held it close to the minivan from which the UFO was first sighted, it did not spin, alas. It did lazily waver back and forth about 30 degrees as I followed the path of the object over the witness' house and yard, but does lazy wavering count? I'm not sure. Strangely, though, when we were seated around the witness' patio and I had set the compass down on the table, I noticed that the compass was pointing steadily and directly at me, about 30 degrees west of north. Am I a magnetic anomaly? Could this explain my wife's strange attraction to me?

Admittedly, it is a pretty cheap compass: eight bucks at K Mart.

Second of all, Fxxxxx, the ace investigator from the MUFON S.T.A.R. Team who was supposed to send me a Geiger counter and "advise" me on the case, never got back to me. Never. Thanks a bunch Fxxxxx. I'm so annoyed with you that I will tell my readers here and now that your true name is Fletch. Fletch. Thanks to you I could be a radioactive time bomb and not even know it.

Third, and best of all, is the whole "beam me aboard" phenomenon. After the object had disappeared into the night sky, the mother and daughter told me they went into a panic, and they both had the same fear that the object might beam one or the other of them aboard, and they would never see each other again... How cute is that?