High Strangeness: April 2012

Monday, April 30, 2012


I have just answered the final question on the MUFON Field Investigator Examination, and I have no idea if my answer is correct. It's been that way with the last dozen or so questions. I've just taken wild pot-shots in the hope that I'll get at least a couple of them right, because the Field Investigator's Manual has been of no help whatsoever.

And the funny thing is, I don't care. I don't feel bad about not doing my absolute best on this test. Because the test kind of sucks. I really think I could have done a better job investigating a UFO sighting before I took the examination. The only thing you really need to know to be able to conduct a meaningful investigation of a UFO sighting is this: Don't Be Stupid.

And I think I've got that down. I will not be hypnotizing anyone. I will not be toting around any Geiger counters. Or alien detectors. Although I would if I could. The alien detector, I mean. I will not pretend to understand radar if I have to interview an air traffic controller. I will not act as though my MUFON card makes me the smartest person in the room. I will not make anyone feel foolish for having reported their UFO encounter. And I will not make any aliens feel foolish for choosing to visit the earth. It's pretty simple, really.

Tomorrow I will place my test answers in the mail and send them off to this man. 

You can't make this stuff up.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Who Was June Crain?

It's springtime, so it must be time for another MUFON meeting! I've just gotten the invitation to the spring meeting of the Chicago MUFON chapter, and it looks... well, awesome.

I'm still hoping to take advantage of my Illinois/Wisconsin dual citizenship and mesh with the chapters in both states, but since the Wisconsin chapter seems to have fallen off the face of the earth, I guess it's Chicago or nuthin'.

I had a really great time at the last Chicago MUFON meeting I attended, and I expect the same this time around. This confab might be even better than the last, because the agenda is pretty stupendous! First of all, it's being held at Starved Rock State Park, which I believe is where Illinois keeps its hill and its tree. Second of all, the invitation reeled me in with its clever tease...

There are so many questions that need to be answered...maybe some can.

Q: So has there been an increase of UFO Sightings correlating to the noted increase of natural disasters?
A: Some of our speakers will address this very question and you will be surprised as one witness whom you will get to meet and hear may hold a clue to this very question.

Does this look like a 'government insider'?
Tornados and UFOs!! I always knew there was a connection!

Then there are these tantalizing questions...

Q: Has UFO Disclosure actually been going on here in the US or in other countries?

Q: Who was June Crain and was she a real government insider with UFO Info?

Q: Is there any evidence to the legendary Sasquatch being in Illinois and is there a possible UFO connection?

You will not be surprised to learn that all of these questions will be answered at the Spring Meeting. Also, there will be a live TV producer there to talk about "UFOs and Hollywood." The agenda mentions that two of the guest speakers will be teleconferencing in, so while we will be able to see them and ask questions of them, I am informed that we will not be able to hug them... Hmm. I don't remember any hugging at the last meeting, but this wouldn't be the first time I've repressed memories.

The event starts at 9:30 sharp and lasts until 6 p.m., at which point it becomes an open mic night.

That alone could be worth the $20!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

St. Elmo's Fire

I am finished!

Well, not really finished, completely, but close enough. I have completed my first pass at the MUFON Field Investigator's Examination, and I have answered 86 out of 100 questions.

Why, you may ask, did I leave 14 questions unanswered? Maybe because I do not at this moment feel like looking up what year the "famous Kelly-Hopkinsville encounter" took place. Maybe I don't think this is essential information.

Also, maybe I don't want to think about what "ball lightning is often erroneously referred to." Maybe it's often erroneously referred to as the Aurora Borealis, or St. Elmo's Fire, or even Kellogg's Pop Tarts, but tonight I do not give a fat, flying damn if it is.

I definitely don't give a rat's ass what kind of aircraft Captain Thomas Mantell was flying "when a UFO allegedly brought him down over Louisville, Kentucky." It happened in 1948, for God's sake!

Why do I have such a bad attitude? Maybe because after slogging through one of the silliest and most confounding examinations I have ever taken, I still don't feel any more prepared to run out and investigate a UFO sighting than I did before I started reading the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual and studying for the test.

Don't be fooled. This is not ball lightning.

Don't get me wrong. Part of me is tickled to death that MUFON wants me to know so much about so many ridiculous things. That shows that they have great faith in me, and I like that. It also shows that they don't mind wasting my time, and I don't like that so much.

It also shows that maybe MUFON doesn't really know what a Field Investigator needs to know, so they're throwing in everything but the kitchen sink, and that really worries me.

Is There a Doctor in the House?

I must be missing a page from my MUFON Field Investigator's Manual. That's the only reason I can think of for not being able to find answers to the Exam questions concerning "Medical Injuries from Close Encounters." It's a 4 page section, the answers should be there, but they're not!

Consequently, I have no idea what can cause a loss of memory after an abduction event. Is it "an altered state of consciousness during the experience"? Is it an "overindulgence of alcoholic beverages"? Is it "a strong blow to the head"? Or perhaps, it's "all of the above"? I don't know, because the Manual doesn't tell me.

Similarly, I cannot identify the "symptoms of post-abduction arousal." Is "hyper-vigilance" a symptom? Is "understated response when startled" a symptom? How about "sleep difficulties" or "poor concentration"? Could be, but the manual doesn't tell me. Hence my suspicion that I am missing a page.

Another clue that a page is missing: the Manual lists several categories of injury that an "experiencer" might present with after an abduction, including "Those involving female abductees and the missing fetus syndrome." This made me sit up and pay attention. What in tarnation is "missing fetus syndrome"? I turned the page for an explanation, but there was none. What fetus is missing? When did it disappear? Where have they looked? Did they check behind the sofa?

Determined to get to the bottom of this mystery, I checked out some favorite UFO websites for clues. I didn't have to look very hard. It turns out that "missing fetus syndrome" is a phenomenon that occurs when a female "experiencer" discovers that she is pregnant immediately after her alien encounter, but then "loses" the baby after three months. And when I say "loses" the baby, I mean that the baby simply disappears from the mother's womb.

Where do these missing fetuses get themselves off to? Some outer space human-alien hybrid hatchery? Do aliens decorate in light blue for baby boy hybrids and pink for baby girl hybrids? There's just so much we don't know... and in this case at least, the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual is of no help.

Of course, there are times I wish the Manual would give me a little less information. Should I really have to take a urine sample from an "experiencer?" Or take a skin scraping? Or, most repellent of all, document the "experiencer's" shedding of his/her fingernails? For God's sake, MUFON, I'm only a volunteer!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

You Are Getting Sleepy...

I've said it before: becoming a Certified MUFON Field Investigator isn't for sissies. The number of topics in which I must achieve a level of expertise is staggering. I just got through the section on radar, and I am now fully qualified to talk a 747 piloted by a panicked 11 year-old (the only person on the plane who didn't eat the fish) in for a safe landing on a dark foggy night on the deck of the U.S.S. Nimitz in heavy seas. Really, I am.

The U.S.S. Nimitz, or, as I now call it, "child's play."

 But the section on radar is nothing compared to the section on hypnotism. I just got through 40 very long, very dense, very exhausting pages in the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual dealing with the ethics of hypnotizing people who claim to have been abducted by aliens. And now I have to answer about a dozen questions on the subject in the MUFON Field Investigator's Examination.

Why does this rare almost to the point of non-existent potentiality demand so much attention from MUFON?

I'm not sure, but it reminds me of the time I went to a "naughty hypnotist" act at a night club in Vegas, where a sketchy mesmerizer got a bunch of mostly-drunk people in the audience to perform ridiculously revealing acts onstage for laughs. Trust me, you haven't lived until you've seen a dozen hypnotized people who are all convinced that they're fleeing a burning building but have been commanded to do so in super-slow motion. Good stuff. But, see, I don't recall the hypnotist making a big deal about ethics, even when he made a prim married woman behave like a wanton trollop onstage while her straight-laced hubby squirmed in his seat in the audience.

But hypnotism ethics are a really big deal to MUFON, so I guess I have to hold myself to a higher standard than that hypnotist in Vegas did.

The first thing I have learned from this chapter is that I have to refer to abductees as "experiencers," because that is a much less loaded term. I can get behind that, but beyond that point I have to admit that this chapter confuses me completely. There is page after page about "risk assessment" and "informed consent," but absolutely nothing about how or when or even why I ought to perform hypnotism. And yet there has been some assumption made on the part of MUFON that when I am called upon to investigate an alien abduction case, something I very much hope to do someday, I will immediately attempt to hypnotize the "experiencer," and thus will need to know the code of ethics for hypnotists chapter and verse, right then and there. If I read this chapter right, my initial approach to the "experiencer" will be something like, "Hi, I'm Mark, you're getting sleepy."

Something about that makes me uneasy...

Friday, April 20, 2012

UFO, or Mammal?

Imagine you've just seen a strange light or object in the sky, and you've filed a UFO sighting report with a reputable UFO research organization like MUFON, and that organization has dispatched a hotshot young Certified UFO Field Investigator to investigate your report. Now imagine that 30 seconds after you open your mouth the Certified UFO Field Investigator interrupts you, tells you that what you saw was the planet Venus, shuts off his recorder and leaves.

It could happen, and apparently does quite a bit. That's because MUFON trains its Certified UFO Field Investigators to be ever vigilant against mis-identifications of aerial phenomenon that could make them and the entire UFO world look silly or gullible.

I just got through an entire section of the MUFON Field Investigator's Examination dealing with this very topic, and while I'm thinking about it I want to share with you a comprehensive list of all the things I may someday accuse you of mis-identifying if I am ever called out to investigate your somewhat suspicious UFO report. It's a long list, but it could save us both a lot of grief someday if you read it and memorize it now. So please, do it, for you...

Things people like you commonly mistake for UFOs:
  • Stars (e.g., Sirius, Arcturus, Vega)
  • Planets (e.g., Venus, Jupiter, Mars)
  • Meteors
  • Fireballs
  • Bolides
  • Comets
  • The Moon
  • Aurora Borealis
  • Ball Lightning
  • Marsh Gas
  • Mirages
  • Sun Dogs/Moon Dogs
  • St. Elmo's Fire
  • Tornadoes
  • Birds (e.g., sea gulls, ducks, geese, nighthawks, swallows)
  • Insects (e.g., butterflies, balloon spiders, fireflies)
  • Mammals (e.g., bats, flying squirrels)
  • Conventional Aircraft (e.g., airplanes, helicopters)
  • Unconventional Aircraft (e.g., advertising aircraft, military refueling missions, experimental aircraft, blimps)
  • Flares
  • Fireworks
  • Balloons (e.g., hot air balloons, research balloons, weather balloons)
  • Kites
  • Missiles and Research Rockets
  • Reflections/Projections
  • Re-entering Satellites
Got it? Good. Now go back and read it again. I mean it. If I have to haul my ass out of bed at 3 am to investigate your UFO sighting and I discover that what you really saw was the sunlight glinting off a flying squirrel, I'll be pissed, and you and I together will set the field of UFO research back decades.

UFO or mammal? You'd better be damn sure you know the difference before I get to your house.

At this point in the proceedings, the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual issues this caution, which seems to have been written in 1951:

"At one time, the probability of more than just a few reports being caused by a hallucination was negligible. However, with the advent of an increasing number of people becoming involved with the use of drugs, this situation may change. The investigator, using much discretion, should seek to discover whether or not the witness ingested any illicit or prescribed drugs which could cause the reported phenomenon."

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Multiple Choice

I am now about 1/3 of the way through the MUFON Field Investigator's Examination, and I have a few observations:
  • There are 100 questions in the exam, all multiple choice, all with four possible answers
  • I have gotten through 32 questions
  • I have already identified two questions with two correct answers
  • I have already identified one question with no correct answers
  • I have already spilled pizza sauce on my cover sheet
  • There are exactly two questions about "Ethics," something that every MUFON Field Investigator will deal with on every case they are sent out to investigate
  • There are exactly 45 questions about "Special Cases" involving crashed UFOs, cattle mutilations, alien abductions, crop circles, government coverups and other phenomenon that the vast majority of MUFON Field Investigators will never experience in their lifetimes, but are really fun to think about
  • When I finish the exam, I am to send my answer sheet, release forms and cover sheet to Captain David MacDonald, the same guy I annoyed two weeks ago by demanding an alien detector
  • I'm screwed

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

UFO Dilemma

I haven't even started to take the MUFON Field Investigator's Examination, and I'm already having fun. I had to fill out a form that asked for my "physical address," so I put down my full street address and then added "Earth," just to be sure. I expected them to ask for my non-physical address next, but they didn't, so I didn't tell them.

But now, on to the Examination. Questions 1, 2 and 3: done, done and done. Easy peasy.

Question 4: damn, I have to actually dig for this answer. What am I, made of time? They want to know who the person is who's in charge of the initial review of all case reports. I thought it was done by some ultra-massive megacomputer buried deep inside a mountain in Colorado, but apparently not.

Okay, done with questions 5, 6, 7 and 8 and I'm through the first 37 pages of the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual. Even though Question 6 is about MUFON's ultra-secret paramilitary STAR Team, I'm already getting bored. Because, as with most if not all questions, it concerns itself merely with the rational, functional aspects of the subject, not with any deeper meanings or philosophical underpinnings.

The STAR Team will report back to MUFON headquarters with an estimate of "the situation" (see below).

But wait, what's this? Question 9 has two correct answers! Is it a trick or is it a mistake? Has my UFO Field Investigator career ended before it's even begun? Damn you, MUFON.

They're asking about the Vallee Classification System, and whether it is a set of definitions that builds upon Close Encounters categories, OR includes classification according to the apparent behavior of the object. Both answers are true, and every time I move my hand to circle one answer my mind rebels and I find myself paralyzed by my dilemma.

My solution? I'm feeling a little Captain Kirk today, so I'm circling both answers.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

It Is Time

This week, at last, I will set out to take the MUFON Field Investigator's Examination. After months of research and study, after tangling with two MUFON International Directors, after having my own two UFO sightings investigated by MUFON operatives, it is time.

When you go to take the exam, the first thing you discover is that it's not just an exam... There's a whole mess of documents that you need to fill out and submit to the High Council "before your Field Investigator status will be activated or access to CMS will be granted." Among these documents are:
  • Field Investigator Personal Info
  • Field Investigator Test Answer Sheet
  • MUFON Volunteer Disclosure Statement
  • Field Investigator Volunteer Agreement ("At Will" Agreement)
  • Field Investigator Confidentiality Agreement
They want to know my name. They want to know my fax number. They want to know if I've ever been convicted of a felony. And then, because they don't trust me, they want to do a background check on me, too. Then they want me to sign a confidentiality agreement. Which is fine, except I'm confused about item #4: "All findings, including but not limited to the following: measurements, photographs, video of any kind, drawings, renditions, witness testimony, hearsay evidence, and writing." That's where the sentence ends. I have no idea what they want me to do with all my findings, but I guess it means they trust me to do the right thing.

And that, my friends, is the hard part. The exam itself is ridiculously easy, and if I don't pass this sucker I really don't deserve to be in the UFO racket at all, ever.

Take Question #1. Please.

Ethics. They're a bugger.
Q1. The objectives of the Code of Ethics of MUFON are...
a. to promote free and dispassionate investigation of UFO sightings with due regard to the rights of the percipients
b. to promote an understanding of the aims of MUFON by percipients and the community in general
c. to protect MUFON and its representatives from public censure and legal problems
d. all of the above

Then, turn to page 7 in the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual, and look under the heading entitled "Objectives of the Code of Ethics." There you will read the following: "The objectives of the Code of Ethics are: to promote free and dispassionate investigations of UFO sightings with due regard to the rights of the percipients; to promote an understanding of the aims of MUFON by percipients and the community in general..." and so forth.

Long story short: MUFON hands you the answers on a silver platter. Which, strangely enough, is what many UFOs look like.

But then there is the odd brain-twister like Question #89:

Q89. A form of non-verbal communication, reported as a result of some close encounter cases is called...
a. telemarketing
b. telepathy
c. telecommunications
d. telekinesis

Duh. As we learned in the last post, the only non-verbal communication that occurs in a UFO encounter is pantomime.

Funny story though: I once got a call from a non-verbal telemarketer. I don't know what he was selling, but I bought a gross.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Reality Transformation

This is one of the coolest charts I have ever seen. And I say that knowing full well that it could make me as a UFO Field Investigator completely redundant and even obsolete. This is the "Vallee Classification Chart," developed by UFO researcher Dr. Jacques Vallee to help stick people describe their UFO experiences in pantomime.

Because it is included in the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual, I can only assume that I will someday be interviewing a stick figure about his or her encounter with the unknown... And what an unknown it is! Black Frisbees that loop-the-loop and fire lightning bolts! Deep, V-shaped furrows and ridges in the ground! Transformations in reality that involve being surrounded by a dotted line!

Take a look:

If this chart accomplishes one thing, it proves that a UFO encounter can be lively, terrifying... and FUN!

It's easy enough to follow: The rows separate UFO experiences into four distinct categories of phenomenon, while the columns differentiate UFO experiences into five distinct levels of witness involvement. So an AN1 sighting would involve a simple sighting of an anomaly in the sky, a UFO encounter at its most basic. My two UFO sightings since I started writing this blog fall into AN1 territory.

At the opposite end of the chart, a CE5 sighting would involve a stick figure's direct physical interaction with the phenomenon, resulting in a lasting injury to the stick figure, who, it must be admitted, appears to be in a great deal of distress.

It all makes sense until you get to column 4, "Reality Transformation." Every other category on this chart is designed to keep the investigation on solid ground, reliant on facts and facts alone, and that's always a good idea when dealing with MUFON Field Investigators who tend to go off on alarming flights of fancy when investigating UFO sightings. But Reality Transformation wrecks the whole thing, because it just throws the door open for all sorts of purely subjective balderdash and poppycock.

Take this, for instance, from the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual's description of a AN4 incident: "AN4 are those anomalous reports in which witnesses experience personal interaction with entities in the reality of the entities themselves. They include near-death experiences, religious miracles and visions, and many cases of out-of-body experiences." Which I might be able to accept, if it weren't for the fact that the Manual has just described AN3 encounters as those involving "associated entities" that "could involve reports of ghosts, yetis, and other instances of cryptozoology as well as elves and spirits."

So, what we're really talking about is possibly a witness describing entering into a yeti's reality, or perhaps an elf's reality, and then having a near-death experience and witnessing a miracle. That's a UFO encounter how, exactly...?

Don't get me wrong. I am not opposed to reality transformations at all. I think they are to be encouraged, in fact, especially if they involve being trapped inside a dotted line, as depicted on the chart. And, as I have stated here many times before, I am a big fan of Dr. Vallee, and any categorization scheme he cooks up is a-ok with me.

It's just that the MUFON people don't need the added encouragement

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Aliens M, N, O & P

Why do some of MUFON's gallery of alien entities rate both a head view and a full-body view? Why do entities M and P get two pictures while entities N and O only get the one? We will probably never know, which is good, because that opens the door to wild speculation.

It's not as if the full-body views of entities M and P really add any worthwhile new information. Do I want to see entity M's choice of sleepwear? No. Do I care that entity P has discovered the lie around, lounge around pleasures of Forever Lazy? Please. Does any of this information help us get to the bottom of the UFO enigma? Not one bit.

And yet, there is more information, and, thus, greater impact, in two images then there is in one. So why are the extra images there for some entities, but not for all? To me, this is nothing less than subliminal manipulation. In my opinion, the MUFON Staff Artist includes extra views of certain entities because he knows this will make more UFO witnesses identify those aliens as the one they encountered. That would mean that MUFON's entire alien entity identification database, if such a thing actually exists, which it must, is fatally flawed. I bet that if I asked the MUFON archivist, if such a thing actually exists, which it must, how many of each of the 16 alien entity types shown in the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual have been identified by UFO witnesses, we would find that the entities with two views are picked far more often than those that are not.

Meanwhile, poor, inexplicable entities N and O must never get chosen at all. Which makes sense in any case, because they're both extraordinarily mental, even by MUFON's standards.

Looking deeper into the imagery, though, we find that the two views of entity M are gazing admiringly at each other, as if this entity was from a planet of narcissists... Entity N has eyes, but do they see? Entity O is staring intently at entity P, seemingly envious of P's Forever Lazy (which, not surprisingly, comes in grey).

I am also convinced that there is a hidden message in entity P's strange traffic cop stance. Is P telling us to "halt" our investigations into the UFO phenomenon?

Forever Lazy in "Asleep On The Job Grey." It's very comfortable, right up until the moment you disintegrate.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Aliens I, J, K and L

I'm starting to hope that I will never have to interview anyone who has seen an alien entity in the course of their UFO encounter, because I would be embarrassed to have to show them this page and ask if any of these creatures resembled what they saw.

Beyond the fact that entity I looks like a deranged, underfed dwarf, entity J looks like a character from one of my Star Trek episodes, entity K looks like a refugee from a 1960's Italian science fiction movie, and entity L looks like Bigfoot -- oh, hell, it is Bigfoot -- the stupendous variety of the MUFON Staff Artists' stylings goes against one of the best arguments for the reality of the UFO phenomenon.

In many of his writings, the late UFO researcher extraordinaire J. Allen Hynek made the fascinating observation that the millions of UFO and alien sightings on record all share essentially the same features. In report after report, the flying objects all essentially look and behave the same, and the alien entities all essentially look and behave the same. If the UFO phenomenon were fake, Hynek argued, we would not see such consistency in witness reports from around the world and spanning over decades.

And yet we do. People from all over the world and from every decade describe the same type of objects and the same kind of entities over and over, which, in Hynek's view, makes the whole phenomenon very credible. So, Bigfoot, you're not invited to this party. Neither are you, Mr. Evil Scowling Alien with the evil serpent logo on the chest of your skin-tight jumpsuit. I don't know where the MUFON Staff Artist found you, but I'm sending you back.

Shame on you, Bigfoot, for trying to horn in on a whole new world of strange phenomenon when you already have your own all to yourself. How greedy can a hairy, biped creature be? How would you like it if UFOs and space aliens started showing up at Bigfoot sightings? Just go away.

Also, Mr. Skin-Tight Evil Scowling dumb-ass Alien, did you not get the memo? Aliens do not wear jumpsuits anymore. And even if they did, and even if they decided to go all-out and affix an evil-looking symbol to their chest, they wouldn't choose a twisty serpent for their logo. Think about it: if an alien doesn't think he's scary enough on his own without having to sew a scary snake symbol onto his jumpsuit, he's a pretty hopeless alien.

This is how aliens used to dress. In the 1960s. In Italy.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Aliens and Children

Looking at all these artist's representations of alien entities the past few days got me wondering what other alien entity art might be out there. I figure if I'm going to be encouraging alien contactees to draw pictures of the entities they encountered, I'm not going to let them just dash off some sloppy sketch. If I stand for anything, I stand for artistic merit, and so I'm going to want my witnesses to aim high and really produce something substantial, something that could be hung in the Louvre if the Louvre ever did an exhibit of alien entity depictions. Which they should.

So I went looking for inspiration, but what I found was quite different from what I expected...

This is a depiction of some alien entities abducting a child named Ariel and taking her somewhere in their spaceship.

Next is Ariel with a girl friend and some alien boys.

Below is William on a table being examined by an alien.

These drawings are part of a gallery of similar images on a striking website called simply Aliens and Children, and I don't know quite how to take it all in... According to the website, children are abducted by aliens all the time, and it's not uncommon for kids to draw pictures of their experiences. But can this really be real??

The guy who put the site together lets the images speak for themselves; the drawings are presented without any commentary or analysis, which I find strangely compelling.

On the other hand, this same guy also goes on to devote a big part of the site to describing "thought screen helmets," his invention that prevents aliens from probing your brain and apparently makes you immune from abduction. It's true -- and only two failures have been reported since 1998! All well and good, but to be completely safe you have to wear the thought screen helmet pretty much for the rest of your life, and if this cute girl can't pull it off, I don't see what hope the rest of us have.

But back to those kids' drawings of their alien abductions... They're adorable... yet creepy. Fanciful... yet terrifying. What is happening to our children???

This can't possibly be real... can it?

Aliens E, F, G & H

Today we continue our survey of the 16 distinct "entity" types depicted in the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual by MUFON's own official Staff Artist. As you may recall from yesterday's post, these illustrations are for the MUFON Field Investigator to use when investigating a UFO incident involving an alien encounter. The theory is that the entity in question will match up with one of these 16 'types' and the Field Investigator's job will be done!

Now, let's look at the second group of entities, E, F, G and H...

Looking at this group, one has to wonder what the MUFON Staff Artist was using as his guide. I mean, I get that G is probably a Reptoid, although it is pretty short and has a kind of a Chipmonkoid face, so I can't be completely sure. And F seems to be yet another variation on the alien "grey" theme, but with an unfortunate skin condition.

E and H really puzzle me, though. Entity E just looks like a guy in a flame suit...

Entities H1 and H2 are the scariest of the lot, and yet, ironically, they appear the most human! Trouble is, they look Stone Age human, and if a witness picked these entities out of the lineup I would not consider it a positive development.

Miraculously, the editors of the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual seem to have sensed that these 16 illustrations may not always fit the bill, so they have made allowances for creating an entity type 17 at the witness' discretion. Under the "additional comments" section of the entity encounter report form, the Field Investigator is encouraged to "give a brief statement of (the entity's) physical appearance, such as: animal-like; insect; robot; ghost-like: shadow-like; angelic; ghoulish; hideous; semi-invisible, etc." 

As usual, it takes MUFON about three seconds to go from desperately serious to hopelessly silly. If you don't believe me, wait til we review the illustrations for entities I, J, K and L. I don't want to give anything away, so all I'll say is "Bigfoot's coming."

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Copyright Violation

If you don't want to get in trouble, stop reading this right now, then close this page and erase your browser history. Do it NOW, because I'm about to commit a flagrant and serious copyright violation and I don't want to drag you down with me.

The following images are from the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual, and they are copyrighted. Truth be told, I've been getting a bit bored with my studies. The Manual just goes on and on about investigation techniques and ethics, and it saves all the cool stuff about cattle mutilation and alien encounters until the very end. So, to stave off boredom and to keep myself motivated, I decided to skip ahead.

I'm glad I did, because at the end of the "Special Cases: Entity Cases," chapter I came across a treasure trove of alien artwork. It turns out that MUFON has a "Staff Artist," and this staff artist has pulled out all the stops in depicting no less than 16 different types of "entities." Amazing stuff, as you will see.

Apparently, the idea is that when I investigate a case involving a sighting of or contact with an alien entity, I am to show these 16 images to the witness and ask if the entity he or she encountered bears any resemblance to any of the images...

In this post we'll look at the first page and images A, B. C and D:

I know all about image A. That's one of the silver-skinned, lobster-clawed dudes that took Charles Hickson and Calvin Parker aboard their UFO in Pascagoula, MS back in 1973.

Images B, C, and D are your classic alien "greys" in what seem to be a variety of emotional states, ranging from reserved (B), to peeved (C) to "I'm gonna kill you" (D). (Of course, if you saw entity D, that was probably the last thing you ever saw, so you would not even be participating in this interview).

There's an alternative theory, however, that must be considered. Entities B, C and D remind me of nothing less than the friendly non-language-specific pain-scale faces you see in the doctor's office, like these:

Really, for all I know, entity B Hurts Little More, entity C Hurts Even More, and entity D Hurts Whole Lot. It is a possibility, so I will try to be more sympathetic...

Oh, damn, I bet I just violated copyright by swiping that image of the pain scale! Hurts Whole Lot!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Alien Detectors -- Part II

The Captain does not pull people's legs. Furthermore, he will not give me one of MUFON's alien detectors. Further-urthermore, he insists that I have no right to know anything about MUFON's alien detectors.

After our first exchange over the weekend, I wrote a follow-up letter yesterday to Captain MacDonald, the new International MUFON Director, and I told him that I thought that I deserved a better response than the one he gave me regarding his comments in the recent newsletter about alien detectors in MUFON's possession. He had been pretty dismissive of my request for an alien detector of my own, saying that I can't have one because they are part of the "Omega Project," and thus are "experimental," "expensive" and not for the "public."

I thought it was a disrespectful way to respond to a MUFON member, and I wrote back to tell him so.

All my arguments fell flat with him. He stated very firmly that he does not pull people's legs and that he is never dismissive of anybody. Then he proceeded to be dismissive of me. For the second time in a row.

He doesn't think a dues-paying MUFON member deserves any explanation about what he writes in his own damn column in the MUFON Journal. He doesn't think that withholding information from a MUFON member goes against MUFON's mission or values. And he didn't respond at all to my question about the Omega Project porn site.

So, am I any worse off in the end? Three days ago, I didn't know that Omega Project alien detectors existed, and my life was pretty okay. I didn't have any way to detect aliens then and I still don't today, so I really haven't lost anything.

Or have I? Maybe I've lost my innocence.

Damn you, MUFON.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Alien Detectors

Looks like I'm not going to get my alien detector, and I'm pretty steamed about it.

If you read my last post, then you know that yesterday I wrote to "Captain" David MacDonald, the new International Director of MUFON, to ask him why, if MUFON was in possession of alien detectors, they were not issuing them to their Field Investigators. Quite simply, I wanted one of my own, and I wanted it now.

This whole thing came about because Mr. MacDonald had dropped a little bomb in his column in the latest issue of the MUFON eJournal that alien detectors were among the items shipped to the new MUFON HQ in Cincinnati. It made sense to me that if MUFON had such amazing technology available to its members, then it should damn well get the detectors out into the field so we can start rounding up aliens, and I thought my inquiry to Mr. MacDonald was entirely reasonable.
Toucan Sam gives away alien detectors. Why won't MUFON?

Alas, Mr. MacDonald didn't think so. Within minutes of my hitting the "send" button, he got back to me with this glib response:

Hello Mark!
The detectors are part of an experimental program called the Omega Project.
They are experimental only, very expensive and not for public consumption.
David MacDonald

Okay, let's just unpack this, shall we?

First, who is this "public" he's yammering on about? I am not a member of the public. I am a dues-paying member of the organization, and I have made a hefty investment of time, money and energy so far studying to become a Certified MUFON Field Investigator. I think I deserved something more than this condescending brush-off.

Second of all, the fact that MUFON is in possession of this advanced game-changing technology and is keeping it under wraps goes against everything MUFON is supposed to stand for, namely transparency and open access to information. The MUFON folks love to whine about government cover-ups, but at the same time they sure do love to keep secrets themselves.

Third of all, when I did a web search for "Omega Project," the first item that came up on the list was a porn site featuring "naked babes and nude girls galleries." Now, right off the bat this bugs me, because to my understanding there's really no difference between a naked babe and a nude girl, but I have bigger fish to fry here. Why would there be a porn site named after an alien detector? Conversely, why would an alien detector be named after a porn site?


Unless MUFON is using naked babes and nude girls as alien detectors! It kind of makes sense, and it opens up the intriguing possibility that someday I may be going out on UFO Field Investigations accompanied by a naked or nude girl or babe partner. It also makes me feel bad for the naked and nude girls and babes that, if my theory is correct, were apparently shipped from Colorado to Ohio in the back of a truck.

Of course, there is another possibility here, probably the most likely explanation of all. Mr. Captain MacDonald is pulling my leg.