High Strangeness: UFO DNA Invasion!

Thursday, September 21, 2017

UFO DNA Invasion!

I think the aliens are invading, and I think it's our own damn fault.

The realization came to me a few nights ago when I was watching TV and an ad came on for this company called "23 and Me." The ad depicts a young woman traveling the globe to get in touch with her roots, which prove to be remarkably diverse. In the end, we're told that we, too, can probably trace our ancestry to many different races and ethnicities, then go trot the globe looking for long-lost relatives. All we have to do is send a genetic sample to "23 and Me," along with $99 (for the basic service; other services cost more). In return, the company will send you a pretty pie chart showing you a breakdown of your genetic heritage. Ancestry.com is also offering a similar service for the low-low price of $79, but then their pie charts don't look as nice.


My immediate reaction to the commercial was, "Why the hell would I give my genetic information to an anonymous company, and -- worse yet -- pay them to take it off my hands (literally)??" I've seen Law & Order. People go to jail rather than surrender their genetic information to the cops, for Christ's sake. But these companies want you to give it up voluntarily, and at a price!

Would you give this to a stranger?
I had some troubling questions as I thought it over that night: Who owns the DNA sample? What's done with it after the service analyzes it? Do they send it back to you so you can reintegrate it into your genetic matrix (I assume the technology exists to do so, but I probably watch too many science fiction movies)? Is there a secondary market for these DNA samples? Am I going to be cloned (not necessarily a bad thing)? What if the sample gets lost in the mail? Is the innocent family tree enthusiast cautioned about of any of this before they pop their gene sample in the mail?

I couldn't answer any of those questions, of course, but as I stewed over the situation a terrible realization came over me: What if these companies are owned and operated by aliens, intent on taking control of the Earth? How would they begin the invasion? Isn't it possible that they would begin by compiling a library of human genetic information, to be used to develop terrible and exotic weapons that target our DNA? Or, worse yet, the information could be used to contaminate and mutate our genetic structures... Science fiction films, TV shows and literature are chock-full of aliens and mad scientists trying to alter our genetic structure and turn us into snake people or swamp things, and it's never pretty.

Somewhere in my files I have a very detailed family tree put together by my paternal grandmother over 30 years ago. She used newspaper articles and public records to trace the O'Connell ancestry to northeast Iowa and then back to the Emerald Isle, and nobody had to swab their mouths for it.

You want my advice? Don't be a chump: Never ever send your precious DNA anywhere in the mail. Trust me, if aliens are advanced enough to get to Earth, they can figure out how to rent a Post Office Box and film a commercial or two.

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