Paranoiapalooza

Well, it happened again. No sooner had I posted here about being shanghaied by the Bigfoot Contact Movement and then subjected to some very disturbing and NSFW erotic alien art as a result of belonging to the wrong Facebook group at the wrong time, than I get another notice from another Facebook UFO group telling me that I've just missed the "2014 Secret Space Program and Breakaway Civilization Conference"...

Let me repeat that so it has a chance to sink in: 2014... SECRET... SPACE... PROGRAM... AND... BREAKAWAY... CIVILIZATION... CONFERENCE...

Now, that's a title that makes me sit up and pay attention. It's diabolically engineered to appeal to the most paranoid reaches of my lizard brain... Secret Space Program? I knew it! Breakaway Civilization? I knew it! Conference? I knew it!

Once I followed the link to the very slick SSPABCC website I knew this was something extraordinary. It's got deep, deep questions. It's got a beautiful starry background. It's got a Swedish host. He's a guy, though, but still. More than that, it's got absolutely no trace of who built it, who is running it, or why... which is either very fitting or very ironic for such an elaborate and well-crafted monument to paranoia.

All you can do is follow the clues and hope they lead you to some level of understanding... I decided to start with those deep, deep questions on the "Intro" page:

• Is there a secret space program?
• Where did the money go?
• Is the UFO the hidden factor in modern history?
• Breakaway consciousness (that's not a question! how did it get here? - Ed.)
• What is really going on out there?

Here are my answers:

• Yes, and I'm running it!
• Not to me! Otherwise I'd have my first rocket in space by now!
• Yes, only the UFO can help us make sense of modern history; it completely explains last week, for instance!
• That's not a question!
• Are you kidding? I can't even figure out what's really going on in here, much less out there!

As you can plainly see, this leaves me no better off than when I started. Which, I have concluded, is exactly the point! The SSPABCC is all about deep and profound confusion... The more you think you understand, the less you actually do understand -- black is white, up is down, Coke is Pepsi! -- which makes me extremely grateful that I didn't attend; imagine my confusion if I had been there in person.

This woman got to be a presenter. Why not me?

Here, for example, is the opening paragraph from that same "Intro" page I cited earlier:

Join us as we present a carefully selected group of speakers gathered to ask some serious questions about the “deep state” and what is really happening in the world and beyond. We expose the most powerful invisible mechanisms behind global geopolitical and financial trends.

Did that make one iota of sense to you? And where are the UFOs?

In an effort to get to the bottom of this, I located the "Comments" section of the SSPABCC website and sent the mysterious organizers an email. In it, I said that I would like to be a speaker at next year's conference, because I know a thing or two about secret space programs and breakaway civilizations. I'll report back as soon as I hear from "them."