Hail to the Chief!

I have mentioned that I've been asked by my MUFON State Director to take over the reins as Chief Investigator for the State of Wisconsin, and I am still deciding. My encounter two weeks ago with the guy who claimed he was going to be killed in less than 48 hours by alien greys who were pissed at him for giving up on his dream to be a musician did make me question whether I really wanted to get even more involved with this world, but here I am, giving it another look...

Here's what the MUFON Field Investigator's Manual says about the Chief Investigator position:

"The Chief Investigator is a senior field investigator assigned to the position by the State Director. The C.I. must work closely with Field Investigators (first level and senior) and State Section Directors to ensure that the state's caseload is efficiently managed. The C.I. must be thoroughly familiar with MUFON's Case Management System (CMS). The C.I. may also provide periodic investigator training to state members. The C.I. is responsible for the initial review of the investigator's case report to assess its completeness, including reviewing the Vallee Definitions and Certainty Index calculations. In addition the C.I. may also actively manage an investigation at the request of the State Director."

Sounds easy, right? Well, that's what they want you to think. Here's what they don't tell you:

• If a door opens on the side of a landed UFO, the C.I. has to go in first.
• If a UFO crashes, the C.I. has to stay behind and clean up the debris.
• If someone gets an implant, it's always the C.I.
• When the aliens say "Take me to your leader," they're not asking to talk to the C.I.
• The C.I. is always stuck with the alien corpses.
• When collecting physical evidence, the C.I. always has to scrape up the glowing, gooey, pulsating stuff.
• The C.I. has to deal with the Reptoids.

I do not want to go out in such an undignified manner.

See what I mean? It's the shit job of UFO investigating. It's like being a red shirt on Star Trek, only you don't even get the red shirt. It's like being Barney Fife without the bullet in the breast pocket. It sucks.

But facts are facts: the only way I'm ever going to take over this organization is to start at the bottom and claw my up through the ranks. I was promoted to State Section Director after just a few months as a grunt; so, who's to say I won't be plucked from the ranks of Chief Investigators to take on a much bigger role in a few more months? When a guy like me starts to rise as meteorically as this, there's some serious power vacuum at the top, and I intend to be sucked right up to the pinnacle of MUFON leadership!

I just don't want to deal with the Reptoids...