High Strangeness: When You See a UFO

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

When You See a UFO

Writing this blog has given me a lot of ideas, all of them good ones. One of my favorites is the idea to revise MUFON's official list of the ten things you should do when you see a UFO (Remain Calm, 9/27/2011). It's not that there's anything inherently wrong with MUFON's list, it's just that it was written in 1994, and it seems to me that the world has changed a bit in the past 17 years.

It also seems to me that MUFON's list is kind of obvious and predictable and boring, and predicated on the idea that you should spend the entire time that you're in the presence of a UFO making objective measurements and observations. That's like having a vision of Jesus and trying to get his inseam.

Here, then, is my list of the ten things you should do when you see a UFO, in no particular order (except for the first one, which really is the most important):
  1. ENJOY! This could be the coolest, most amazing thing that ever happens to you; do you want to spend the whole time looking for your theodolite? Just stare at the object, empty your mind, embrace the moment, and soak up the wonderfulness of the experience.
  2. Remember every detail of the experience really hard. The more deeply, intensely and sincerely you remember it, the harder it will be for aliens to make you forget.
  3. You make the first move. Try to communicate with the object with a series of buzzes and clicks.
  4. You have your phone with you, right? Take as many pictures of the UFO as you possibly can, but only if you are less than, oh, twenty feet from the object. Your phone camera is crap, so unless you're right on top of the UFO all you're going to get is crap pics of a blurry little smudge that looks like it's fifty miles away. Nobody will believe your story, your friends will laugh at you, and you will have to spend a whole lot of money on a better phone.
  5. If your sighting takes place near a nuclear power station, try to get the manager to shut down the main reactor before the UFO taps into it and becomes more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
  6. If you encounter a UFO occupant, offer it a bottle of orange soda pop. They love it.
  7. Get the UFO captain to give you a star map. These are unbeatable.
  8. Some famous encounters with especially attractive UFO occupants have led to sexual relations between the human and the UFO occupant. Do your best.
  9. Remember, the UFO may have traveled a very long way, and may be visiting earth for the first time. You only get one chance to make a good first impression.
  10. After the UFO leaves, check the time to see how many hours have gone missing. If it's more than five or six, you may want to perform an all-body alien implant inspection, which I imagine is a lot like checking for ticks after a hike.
  11. Prepare for a visit from the Men In Black. Try to trick them into revealing their true purpose.

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