High Strangeness: It Gets Me Where I Want to Go

Friday, September 9, 2011

It Gets Me Where I Want to Go

Now that this UFO business is taking off (pun intended), I've been thinking about some practical matters. Once I start working as part of the MUFON team, I expect I'll be supplied with a black Chevy Suburban with blackout windows, but what do I do for wheels until then?

I have an idea. I was planning to sell my second car this fall, now that my son Cxxxxx no longer needs it to commute to his summer job, but it occurs to me that the old Taurus would make an excellent UFO Chase Vehicle. The logic is simple: if I show up to a UFO sighting in a regular old anonymous passenger car, the UFO occupants will not be impressed. In fact, they might feel they are dealing with a rank amateur. They will be, of course, but that's beside the point. If, on the other hand, I pull up to the landing site in a sleek, sophisticated, bad-ass UFO pursuit vehicle, the UFO occupants will know they are dealing with a sleek, sophisticated, bad-ass UFO Field Investigator. Forget them taking me for a ride in their UFO; they'll be the ones begging for a ride.

My older daughter, Dxxxxx, thinks I should go the way of the Scooby Doo "Mystery Machine," the big old van with the psychedelic paint job that the Scooby gang tooled around in between unmasking corrupt sheriffs. At first I was thinking more along the lines of the Ghostbusters ambulance, "ECTO 1," but last night I had an inspiration. When I was a kid, there were endless TV shows about fearless humans (and sometimes fearless marionettes) defending the earth from Alien Invasions, and the human heros always had super-cool vehicles that they used to chase down the UFOs. That's what I want. Something with fins and radar dishes and jet engines and force fields that rides on tank treads and shoots missiles and laser beams and... Well, what I've got is a 2001 Ford Taurus station wagon with cruise control, power windows and an AM/FM/cassette stereo that rides on four all-season radials and shoots high-beams, and is strictly limited to sub-light speeds.

Still, I can work with that. The Taurus is a solid, sturdy, All-American car, with a smooth ride, plenty of get-up-and-go and room in back for 6 little E.T.s. With a little work I think it could send the right message... How's this for bad-ass?

The sleek lines say, "Take Me To Your Leader."
The clean white paint says, "I Surrender!"
The wet spots on the driveway underneath it say, "Show Me the CARFAX!"
The flying saucer on the hood says... well, it says a lot of things, but for my purposes it says, "I am one of you! Really, I am!"

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